Sorry I Could Be So Blind

It had been a few weeks since her and Christian had this rift in between them. That day on temple hill had been long, but the moment had been short. He had told her about how Aspen Virgo came back after being pronounced dead and how he had wanted to date her. Lauren had felt a whole bunch of things upon hearing those words and there was nothing in the world that could have prepared her for it or even for the words that Christian would later say. She felt confusion all around and had a tough time getting her bearings when they had the brief talk, he asked her about her feelings and it were almost as if Lauren had shut down and just gave the answer that she figured would solve everything. Little did she know it was going to back fire on her.

Ever since seeing him hurt that day there had been a distance that grew among the two and eventually he left on a quest almost a month early. She knew it had to do with her and she knew how everyone else felt. They were all relieved that Lauren wasn't going to suck Christian dry of the goodness that he held within. They were relieved that the two just didn't end up together because Lauren and everyone else could see it. Lauren wasn't good enough for Christian and she never would be, she would only drag him down in life and make him his worse self, Lauren was poison that had slowly been seeping into his veins. He even did drinking and all that because of her. There was no coincidence there.

However about a four days ago Corinne had caught Lauren doing very reckless things. Stuff that Lauren wasn't even she she had the explanation for.

---

"Lauren, you don't have to do this." Corinne said calling from one part of the aqueduct and looking up at the other demigod. She had been pleading and pleading for Lauren to get down after watching her climb up and walk along the edge like it was no big deal and like nothing could hurt her. It formed multiple knots in Corinne's stomach as she watched and those only got tighter as everyone began to call for Lauren to jump and they'd break their fall. No matter how many times Corinne had tried to shut the party down and to get everyone to go home it didn't work. No one respected her authority except for a few of her own. They left and headed back to the barracks.

Corinne had managed to climb to the top of the Aqueduct where Lauren was standing and as she steadied herself she looked down and was nervous. She had never been this high up before and looking down at the ground she knew if they fell it'd be bad thing and definitely some broken bones and worse. The wind was whipping locks of her hair back as she looked over to the optio with a bottle in her hand. "Lauren." Corinne said in a calm voice as she slowly approached the girl. "I understand you may be feeling a mixture of emotions right now, but jumping off this building isn't going to help you be less confused, it isn't going to fix anything for you."

"How would you know how I feel?" Lauren said scowling over to the centurion in front of her as she brought the bottle up to her lips and she took a swig of the contents before she set the bottle down. "You would never know how it feels to be me, to feel like you're the poison in everyone's life sucking the life out of everyone day by day. It's clear about what and who I am here. It's not good, so why not hang out with people like me, huh? Why not drink away everything with others, why not do stupid shit just to feel some kind of rush, because lets face it, in the end I'm going to be ripped out of the equation, I'm always being pushed out." Lauren said a bit of tears forming in her eyes.

Corinne couldn't help but feel upset about her words. That Lauren had thought what she thought, but she didn't let it bother her right in this moment. "You're right. I can't know how you feel, but if we get down the safe way we can talk about this. Please, Lauren. You'll always have me wanting you in the equation, you're part of my family now, I promise you that. Lets just get down from here okay?" Corinne had pleaded.

---

It had been a rough few days since then, and overall a rough few weeks. It was January 20th and everyone had left for morning drills. Corinne had asked for her to stay behind and talk a little bit and that she'd be right back. Lauren was sitting on her bunk staring at the walls waiting for the daughter of Chione to get back. There was a feeling of shame and guilt sitting in her from what she had done, but she felt like she was getting in too deep with everything.

Christian had wanted to return to Quebec, to go see his mother, after a sharp revelation in New Pompeii. He'd come back to the gates of New Rome with a baby in his position, and the way people looked at him while the baby was in his arms made him feel strange. He trusted the people with him to bring the baby back with them, but he also didn't have the heart to leave the baby until he was behind safe walls. He'd been forced to evaluate so much about himself, whether it was due to his teammates or the situation at hand. He knew he had to face down the painkillers, as soon it was even a relative possibility.

The time now was to face down another demon. Not that Christian saw Lauren as a demon, but the feelings he'd developed for her over so many years now haunted him. He entered the barracks for the first time since he left. His face was unshaven, and his right hand was coated with cuts and burns. That's when he spotted her, and he became nervous.

"You could have gotten hurt. Hell, if you fell the wrong way you could have died. Do you get how I would feel if I came back here and you were dead?" Christian asked her. He could feel so many emotions that clouded his judgement. "I can't have you acting like this, it-it isn't fair." Christian finally got out of himself. "I get that you're confused, believe me, I am too. But there's a better way to be, Lauren. Where's the girl I used to know?" Christian pleaded to her. He'd approached her, his fingertips playing with the tip of her hair. "I miss you, okay? What can I say to get you away from these tendencies? From these people?" He pleaded.

The time kept ticking by slowly as if it were stuck on the same number. It was torturous, but she knew that the daughter of Chione would be gentle and would just want to calm Lauren in some way. It was almost like the two had taken care of each other when they had both needed it. The daughter of Apollo wasn't prepared by Christian walking in. She hadn't seen him since the day he left and the sight of seeing him again almost brought tears to her eyes. It was hard to deal with because she felt so many things.

The moment he opened his mouth Lauren could feel her body to begin to betray her and slowly second by second she was breaking down. Her shoulders slouched and her bottom lip quivered as she could feel the heaviness in her chest and the soreness of her throat, almost like there was a blockage. She couldn't help the feelings that were moving inside of her. The moment she broke into a sob was when his fingertips began to play with the tips of her hair and he told her he missed her.

All she wanted was to hug hum, but she wasn't sure he'd want her to, not after what she told him on the hill. "I don't know." The brunette said softly in between choking back some of the sobs that shook her body. "I'm no good. I'm poison and you know it, you even mentioned all those things that you did as a result of me. I'm scared that one day I'm going to get tossed aside because every minute feels like I'm being pushed out. The things I do..." She trailed off, but she couldn't keep her composure enough to continue, she only continued to cry.

Watching Lauren go into the state she did left Christian feeling like a monster, like he'd forced this on her. He could feel so many emotions within him awaken, but few mattered to him that didn't prioritize his Optio. For a moment, there was silence. All he wanted to do was hug her and cry with her. "Lauren." He said, gently.

"I made it about me." He wanted to calm her; he'd never once seen her like this. "Before I left, I made it all about me, and I'm sorry for that. I just needed to figure shit out, you know? It's hard, but I realize now it's selfish. I spent the last two weeks thinking of you at every turn. Whether it was Stacey's teddy bear reminding me before we were Romans or Apollo's temple reminding me that you're here and I was there." He told her gently. His hands reached out to her shoulders in an attempt to console, but he could feel his own composure beginning to wave away from what it had been before. "You are good."

"You'll never be out of my fold, no matter what happens. I've never known life without you, and I never want to know what life would be like without you. You're not poison. Yeah, I did those things to impress you, but you never once forced me, and..." Christian trailed, to an unfortunate truth. "Some of those times, I was, alive." Christian admitted. "Please stay." Christian pleaded. "You're scaring me. That someday soon I might be forced to live a life without you. Those kids don't care about you, I do. Please, let me help you. What can they give you that I can't?" The legacy felt himself tearing up as he dropped his feelings yet again in front of her.

Christian began to speak and it was in one of his more calm and gentle tones, something that had always been soothing to the daughter of Apollo. She didn't hear it often, but it was usually when she was upset or about to be upset, he usually just knew, they had been friends for as long as they could remember and it just made sense that they could pick up on things like that. She listened to every word he had to say and didn't interject once while he was talking, which was a new feat for Lauren.

"It's not your fault." She stated as she began to sniffle and the tears kept streaming down her face. She had felt his hands on her shoulders, and part of her yearned to be pulled in for a hug, but things between them weren't so great, they felt broken in a sense and Lauren couldn't do anything about it, but she knew it was her fault. "Christian, I'm scared. I'm scared of being rejected, tossed aside, of judgement, of everything." Lauren admitted her voice faltering a little bit. She hadn't acknowledged much else had said yet, but her mind was in a state of haste.

"Christian, I have feelings for you, I'm just scared of the outcome. I'm scared to bring you down. I'm scared of it all." Lauren admitted. "I do want your help, but I don't know what will happen. I might ruin it, I might wreck it, I'm scared." The daughter of Apollo didn't know where her words or mind was and she couldn't stop with the words that were coming out. "I told you I didn't know, but I knew the whole time. I want to be with you but I don't want to be an option I don't want you to go through deciding and then you decide it's not me. The things I've been doing? They make me feel something else other than regret and they make me feel not scared because it's an act."

In the moment Lauren's words didn't make sense to Christian. She was possibly the most fearless person he'd ever met in his life, and hearing her confess so many fears didn't seem real. It didn't matter either way; he knew Lauren wasn't a liar. All Christian could think to do was to pull her in and wrap his arms around her in an embrace, as tightly as he could. He held her as though this would be the last chance he'd ever have to do it, before he finally responded to her.

"Stop, stop, shut up." Christian had told her, in a gentle coo. "We already live in a dangerous enough world. The last thing we need to do is hurt ourselves more." Christian felt nerves act up within him, it felt like he'd broken through to her, but now they were at the most dangerous part of their conversation. He felt terror at the thought of failing Lauren. In his head, her risking herself on top of the aqueduct played over and over again. He couldn't get the image of her falling off out of his head.

"I want to show you," Christian started. "I want you see what we can do, the difference that we can make. I know it sounds risky, against the whole 'self-preservation' thing, but living for other people? It's one of the greatest things." He told her. "Let me wash the fears away. Let me see that dumb, dorky smile you always get when you're surprised."

There was some sense of release in the sense that her body could relax once she finally felt him hug her with his arms coming around her and holding her tight. It was the most secure that Lauren had felt in a long time and it only gave her the warm welcome to cry harder. Her body shook as the sobs continued on almost as if an earthquake had building up and finally everything collapsed, part of the worst of it was over for Lauren, holding everything in so long and afraid to let any ounce of fear show for eighteen years was one of the most draining things ever.

"I'm sorry for scaring Corinne, I'm sorry for scaring you. I wasn't thinking when I did what I did." Lauren had managed to calm down and she just rested her head against his chest and filling her ears were the sounds of his heart beating which was one of the more comforting things, just to know he was here and he was real; that she wasn't going mad. "It's not so easy to just wash the fears away. They're habits I've build up for years, and I don't know what to do. I want to be someone that's good for people to have around, I want to be a good choice for you."

The daughter of Apollo could feel a surge of emotions and feelings coming up and her own heart couldn't help but beat in her chest and before she could even think the words slipped from her mouth before she had time to catch herself. "Christian, I'm scared because I love you."

The daughter of Apollo's shaking and quaking left Christian holding onto her as tightly as he could without hurting her. He wanted to make her feel as safe as he could. Seeing her so hurt was heartbreaking to Christian. He wanted to give her the entire world, and it felt like he'd taken the whole world from her instead. "Shhhh." Christian cooed to her as she apologized. "Let me teach you. That's my job, isn't it?" Christian gently teased her. "I have to go to Quebec soon, come with-" Christian had fully intended to invite Lauren on his trip, and still was, but as her next words escaped her lips, Christian stopped in his tracks.

Hearing the words literally stunned Christian. He felt paralyzed, like he was certain that he was in a dream but he wasn't able to wake up. Christian didn't say anything for a long while, he didn't even think that the lack of response might worry her. This time three weeks in the past things had been so different between Christian and Lauren. He'd been forced to face the reality that him and Lauren simply could never be, that she didn't see him that way. Suddenly now everything had changed sides, and when Christian was finally certain that he was in the land of reality, one of his hands loosened it's grip on Lauren and his thumb rested against her chin before he guided it upwards so that they were looking at one another. "I've been waiting so long to hear you say those words..." Christian gently confessed to her. For the first time he felt no hesitation when he brought his lips to hers.

The tighten on the embrace while her body shook was soothing and eventually the shaking had ceased to a smaller amount and next came the quiet 'shh' that made her tears cease a little more. There was so much that Lauren was scared of and one of those was her feelings for Christian. There were so many things that she had wanted to tell him over the years and so many times she had wanted to make a move on him sooner. The daughter of Apollo had held so much of her feelings in, it just never felt like he would have returned the feelings, she felt like she would have destroyed his life and reputation if she were ever to act on her feelings for him, but as of recent she learned he had feelings for her too.

In a way the fact that he did have strong feelings for her scared her too. It made everything so real and the possibility that something wrong could happen was even more increased. With the past few weeks things had been hard, telling Christian she had some feelings and she was confused had all been true to their own extent, but she made it sound like her feelings for him were so much less than they were and she regretted it and from that point on she was doing anything she could to get rid of the pain of what she had done. She had spent nights at the bars drinking, getting into fights, doing stupid dares just to feel a rush that replaced what she was feeling, but in those moments she hated being away from him.

A smile just had enough time to grow on her face when his lips were pressed against hers. There was something so much different about this time, so much raw emotions running through the two of them, the intensity was high and the kiss felt liberating in a way, it had been the happiest she had been in weeks. Lauren happily pressed her lips back against his and pulled away slightly. "Really?" She asked looking in his eyes.