Inconvenience

It was a brisk January morning, the 2nd of January to be exact. Christian felt nervous, he didn't know how to break this kind of news to Lauren. He couldn't remember the last time he let her down, or if he had even let her down since they were little kids. He paced in front of Lauren the whole walk there, and it was obvious that there was something massively wrong. He was blatantly aware of the message he was giving her, but he couldn't act with guile not at the moment.

"Aspen Virgo came home last night after being declared dead for almost a whole year, and her and I used to be very close, like, on the verge of dating close. But then we had that moment last night and yesterday evening, and now I'm confused." Christian confessed to her, the second they reached the top of Temple Hill.

"It's been weighing on me, because now she's back, and..." Christian let out a weary sigh. "I don't even know how you feel, not for sure. Who am I to assume things? I need you to tell me how you feel, Lauren. Because I feel really confused right now."

Lauren wasn't sure what was going on with Christian he was acting unusual compared to normal and it was clear that something wasn't right and she tried to go through her brain of all the possibilities that it could be, but none of it seemed to stick. The daughter of Apollo knew Christian and she knew him quite well, after spending about seventeen years of your life with someone it was hard not to know when something was wrong.

The words that came out of his mouth weren't words that she would have ever expected and she didn't know what to say, she was speechless and she felt so many different confusing things. She had enjoyed the previous two nights that they had spent together and she didn't regret a minute of it. She could have sworn that the feelings that her preteen self had felt came up in some of those moments, but part of her was feeling the doubt sink back in like it had before.

Lauren wanted to be mad, she wanted to yell and scream at him maybe even hit him, but she couldn't find it within herself to do so. She was just in a state of shock. "Wow, I can't believe she's alive." Was all that came out of her mouth. She knew a little bit of what Aspen had meant to him, and part of her felt it'd be selfish for her to make him confused in this moment.

"I get it." She spoke softly and her eyes looked down, she could feel a small part of her have feelings for Christian and she knew he could feel them, he obviously wouldn't be telling them to her if he didn't but somehow telling him about her small feelings made her feel selfish and she wanted to do better this year. Lauren reached out to hold his hand and she looked at him. "The past couple days have been great and they're memories I'll cherish, but I don't know my feelings entirely myself. I know there are some there, but you deserve more than what I could give you. You really do."

"I've spent so long..." Christian started. He felt embarrassment and shame in the topic, but he couldn't keep it a secret to himself any longer. "So many talks gone pretending I don't feel the way I do. So many times snuck out I didn't want to do, so many drinks I didn't want to have, so much trouble I didn't want to cause. All done without thinking twice, all done because to impress you, I would have found a way to give you the whole world." Christian could feel the hesitancy in his bones. "So many sleepless nights in my bunk. Pretending it didn't kill me that you hooked up with that guy. Pretending I didn't want to kick the living hell out of him. And then after him, the girl. I wanted it to be me, for so long, and it never felt like you returned that." Christian didn't blame her; it wasn't her fault or her obligation to return his feelings.

"I don't know what life is without having some deep love seeded for you. I've felt it my whole life." He finally broke out, using the forbidden word. "I thought the hardest thing in my life would be choosing between two girls I loved." Christian told her. "But it turns out not having you as a choice is even harder." Christian couldn't look at her, not right now. He felt so foolish. "Look, I-I know it isn't your fault. I don't blame you. I know you like girls, I just thought- I don't know. That somehow I'd be-" Christian officially choked on his words, he'd never done it in front of his Cohort before. He could feel himself want to release the pain and cry, but he suddenly felt his defenses rise. That he wasn't safe to let Lauren see him like that any longer.

"You don't owe anyone any feelings, Lauren." He said, before he turned around. "I gotta go." He forced out. He didn't even look into her general direction, before he began his pace away from her. "Thank you for meeting me." He said before departing.