It Was Not Your Fault, But Mine

There hadn’t been much settling down since she got back from her quest with Sophia. Meanwhile successful the whole atmosphere of camp didn’t feel right, but maybe she had just been so detached for so long that it just didn’t have the same charm that it once used to. She didn’t look around the area and see all the green and stone that was around. The beauty and wonder of the whole camp had been rather dim to her, and she only saw this place as the only safe zone left in the world.

It had been when she was in the hospital that she had been sought out by Lennie and handed a piece of folded up letter. She was only in the hospital to make sure that her leg would make a clean heal from the fracture and it proved that Sophia had done nice work and that it would heal just fine.

Aspen didn’t have a good feeling about the paper that she held in her hands. It had her name on it and she knew right away whose handwriting it was. Obviously if it was being delivered by Lennie and not him, it wasn’t good. Part of her just started at it and didn’t move or say anything, she didn’t want to open it. Maybe if she didn’t open it whatever was inside wouldn’t be real, whatever was there wouldn’t happen and in a few minutes perhaps Christian would come around the corner and play a prank on her.

The legacy knew that was dumb. She knew it was just wishful thinking. When she finally did decide to read it, she was at the lake in New Rome. It was often a place she went to feel calm and to let herself get rid of the stress. Hearing the light waves that the wind made with the water of the waves as they crashed upon the shore she tried to steady herself to open the letter. She could feel the hard wooden dock beneath her bottom and she wish that had been the difficult part about this whole thing.

Finally she had the letter unfolded and she saw that there was writing on it. It took everything of her to finally open it and read it.

“I have so much that I want to tell you, but no time to tell you it. You came back out of nowhere, and I wanted to pick things up where we left off. The reality is that I was in love with you, and then you died. It took me so long to stop being devastated and angry. Then, one day I thought I was passed it, and you walked into the Senate House and I realized that I was still in love with you.

Don’t hold on to this like I did, Aspen. You’re a wonderful fighter, friend, leader, and woman. And I wish you were here now, because I’m scared. I never felt scared with you around, even when we were kids. Your bravery became mine. I thought for years now that I was passed fear. But now that I know I’m walking to my death, I’m afraid.

Take care of yourself, and your brother and sister. You didn’t do anything wrong Aspen, and it isn’t your fault. You didn’t make a mistake by not coming. The world is just cruel. You can beat the cruel world, Aspen. I know you can.”

Every word that she read just kept creating the sinking feeling, it just kept building up the tears that were now forming in her eyes, she couldn’t help, but have them spillover as she went into a sob. She was shaking and she could feel the numbness begin to settle in. She was scared to feel the numbness that was overtaking her. Aspen tried hard to fight all the tears that were running down her face leaving behind stains on her cheeks.

Aspen couldn’t help it, but she read it over again and again and again. Maybe she was hoping that somehow it would change the words that were there. Perhaps she kept reading it because it was the only thing she had left of him. The only thing she could clutch onto and keep until the paper disappated. It was also likely that it was both at this point.

“I wish I could have been there for you too.” Aspen said shakily through the crying as her shoulders shook along with her whole body as she couldn’t contain any of the emotions that had been rising up within her body. It had been a few hours that Aspen sat there by the lake just staring out into the water and thinking about the letter. None of it felt real.

The girl was filled with regret and on top of that she was filled with guilt for feeling the regret. She should have went with him. She should have went with him and made sure he came back home to make sure he would be safe, to save him from everything he was scared of. She wanted to be there for him, but at the end of the day she hadn’t been and she hadn’t been for more than a year.

It was stupid but part of her felt like if she had never left in the first place he would still be here. If she had never left then they could have started dating and maybe she would have been here for this quest or maybe he wouldn’t have been asked to go on it and he would be here with her right now, but he wasn’t. He wasn’t here at all and he never would be again. Never. It felt too surreal that someone you had spent so much time with and had always seen just would be gone to the whole world, that you would never hear their voice again, you would never see their face again, and you would never be able to touch them again.

“I loved you so much, and I don’t even think you can hear me. I’m just talking to the dead air. This is so fucking stupid. I should have been there.” Aspen had many conflicting emotions within herself, mostly sadness had overcome her, but she could feel anger, so much anger. The anger was towards herself and just anger in general.

It was close to midnight when she finally found her way stumbling home. She walked through the front door and the whole house was dark at this point. Aspen walked over into the kitchen as she shoved the letter into her pocket before opening the fridge door. Grabbing the bottle of wine out of the fridge she walked over to the wine glasses and pour herself a glass before putting it back in.

Quietly she walked out to where the living room was and she sat in one of the chairs. She looked around in the room and so many memories flooded in. It was almost as if every memory was going to haunt her now.

-

Christian had come over for what was the fourth night in a row. Of course for the most part the two of them would just spend some time together up in her room doing whatever it is that they wanted to do. Often times despite what many thought two teenagers would do, they did just lay up there and cuddle together, but this night they were going to have a movie night.

“I’m just making popcorn if you want to pick something out to watch.” Aspen said with a smile on her face as she put the bag in the microwave and turned it on to the appropriate time. When she turned around Christian was right there and he had pulled her in by the waist and pressed his lips to hers before walking off to go pick a movie.

In a couple minutes she walked out to the living room to sit next to Christian where he had already picked a movie for them to watch. She made sure that she could sit as close to him as possible and even had her legs resting over his before she put the popcorn bowl.

“Ooh, what movie are you guys watching?” Could be heard from Julia Virgo as she walked into the room. It wasn’t long before they told her what movie that they would be watching and she instantly inserted herself into the movie time. “Oh, I have been meaning to watch this one, I’ll join you guys, this can be like a little family movie night, Christian save me my spot. You know which one I like, the one right next to you. Maybe we could do a family cuddle time too” Julia said to him as a joke before she went out to the kitchen to grab her own snack.

The whole evening had been a bunch of laughs for the three of them and eventually Aspen had fallen asleep cuddled up to Christian who had also fallen asleep by the end of the movie.

-

The whole memory of that night was just haunting to Aspen now. She couldn’t look at the couch anymore, she really couldn’t. It just reminded her of his laugh, a laugh that she missed so much now and it reminded her of feeling him beside her, a feeling that she would no longer have.

The legacy couldn’t sit there anymore, she downed the glass of wine and set it down on the end table before she slowly made her way up the staircase. She was almost dreading going up to her room because she knew that the memories there would be back to haunt her and she wouldn’t be able to sleep at all.

It had been roughly one in the morning at this point as she stood in front of her bedroom door. She didn’t know if she wanted to even go in there or not. She had spent so much time with Christian in there. He had seen all the paintings in her room, he had commented on so many, they spent countless hours talking in there, cuddling with each other and so much more . It was going to be the hardest place for her to be, but she knew she had to go in there.

Her hand shakily gripped the door knob and she slowly turned it so that it would open the door. She pushed it open slowly, but the moment that she opened it, she saw him sitting there on her bed. He was there almost plain as day and part of her wanted to go over to him and hug him, talk to him, tell him about everything and maybe it was all a nightmare.

“No.” She said quietly shaking her head back and forth. “I can’t.” She whispered as her breaths grew shaky now. It was hard to see him there just looking at her. He didn’t say anything and he didn’t move, but he was there and he looked so real. “I can’t.” She said over again whispering as she stood in the door frame still.

She didn’t say anything about what she couldn’t do, but she felt fear tie her to still standing there. Aspen just wanted it to be over, she didn’t want to stay, she didn’t want to look, but she couldn’t stop. She couldn’t stop herself from moving into her room and closing the door behind her. The brunette couldn’t stop from standing in front of him, before she kneeled down on the floor .

“I love you.” Sh whispered as she looked up at him. She wanted to reach out and grab his hand she wanted to make it all okay for him again, but she was scared that if she reached out to touch him that he would be gone. “I can’t believe it.” She said shakily still and shaking her head back and forth again. “I should have been there.” Aspen just kept repeating it over and over again. “I could have saved you. I would have.” The girl said as the tears came back. “There’s so many things I need to tell you and you aren’t here.”

The legacy was now looking at the ground close to sobbing again. “I can’t.” She said again before she finally finished what she meant. “I can’t beat this cruel world. You’re wrong. You’re wrong.” She went into a state of saying it over and over again before she lifted her head back up and he was gone. Gone just like that, no word, no warning, he was gone.

“How?” she asked softly, before she mustered up as much strength as she could to climb up into bed. She didn’t even bother with the covers at this point, she didn’t care about them. She grabbed a pillow nearby and she clutched it to her chest as she laid in her bed and cried. It wasn’t fair. He was gone, and she couldn’t bring him back, she couldn’t ever see him again. She would give anything to have just one more day with him. Anything.

It took a long time, but finally around five in the morning as the sun was coming back up again she managed to fall asleep for a little bit. For once her night terrors just felt numb to her.

-- Next Day --

Aspen had hardly slept at all. Maybe an hour at most, but she didn’t get out of bed until it was about noon. She didn’t bother changing her clothes at all or even having a shower yet. She walked straight of the house and towards the center of New Rome. She opened the same familiar doors and into the the same little study that she had spent a lot of time in. The legacy grabbed the paperwork and proceeded to fill it out.

Below she stared at the questions. “How many years have you served?” and “Reason for retiring?” Aspen had completed more than ten years at this point with the legion and once she filled out her reason why she dropped the papers off and from there went through a series of sit downs until she reached the title of official retirement. The third would be having a new centurion at one point, but Aspen was no longer it.

From there Aspen began to get her weapons and armour on again and she was heading out of New Rome and towards the camp. She would be heading out of the tunnels soon and she was determined at this point.